why do I work so hard to do well when i just constantly end up miserable?
i feel like i’ve sacrificed everything in my life that i’ve ever enjoyed just to try to survive while everything keeps shitting on me. isn’t working hard supposed to be rewarding and improve the value of your situation? so…
There is no god. No matter how good you are, how few drugs you take, how much homework you do, you will still receive tickets for the random really shitty and tragic stuff lottery, where people who don’t deserve it have accidents and die. No one is pulling the strings for the right people, or checking boxes to make sure that karma has done everything it’s supposed to. It’s not part of God’s shitty plan, he’s not working in mysterious ways. There isn’t anybody doing that.
That doesn’t mean what you have done has brought you nothing. Your hard work earned you a ticket to MIT. Back in 2004-5, maybe 88% of people DIDN’T GET IN to the class of 2009 (now it’s about 94%, maybe more), including one of the smartest people I know, the person who made (‘cuz she did her PhD in 4 years) all the other CfA grad students feel bad about themselves because she was just that diligent and nice and really really good at shit. Like the ones I knew would sit around and say that they had to stop comparing themselves to her for the sake of their mental health.
Being a kind person is getting you an adult relationship with your fiancé. You get along with your father and brother. Some people have relatives like your preacher aunt, and some people are that person. You should probably read the r/relationships and r/raisedbynarcissists forums on reddit. There are a lot of fucked-up people out there. This isn’t you.
The money thing? I have a lifelong friend who posts on Facebook about his exotic vacations (most recently he went to the world cup) and videos from concerts, and from his facebook it would appear than he does not really have a job. Yeah… he’s an FBI agent, and I think he would be very upset if I asked him on his wall why his facebook page doesn’t mention his job. But not everyone’s an FBI agent, 1%ers have an obscene amount of money. That was kind of the point of the occupy wall street. You need to stop comparing yourselves to these people. Also, many of the “rich” people I know will be happy to point you to someone who has way way more money than them. And many people are secretly in great financial trouble.
I’ve read a rant in this very space about someone you know from work’s piss poor financial decisions, and how she’s made herself worse than you.
I have 500 facebook friends. I would say most people go on a vacation once a year and it lasts a week. Some don’t go every year and some people go multiple times a year, (often because of their work). According to statistics, at any given time, I am going to be hearing about 10 vacations. You post on the internet when you are unhappy. Many people don’t.
This is a really good point, thanks.
Anyway, I’d really wish you would stop posting that you have no friends. It’s not only untrue, but hurtful when you say “yeah, I taught someone something I love (knitting), and she gave me a present (free tickets to an amusement park)” and then blow that off entirely. I don’t know any of your other Tumblr people, but I get the impression you’ve got at least one co-worker here. Also, that person with the pig, and the beauty consultant person. Maybe they’re all the same lady, but how do you think that makes her/them feel? Also, you are getting married to a friend. You had a medical emergency that you didn’t go to the hospital for yesterday, and people (not just me) wrote back and asked you to confirm you were okay. How many times do you need people to write back and say you have friends? Constantly needing people to prove friendship is an alienating behavior (there’s no nice way to say that)
So when I say that I specifically mean people here in VA who want to hang out with me. I moved down here with 10 board games more than a year ago and still haven’t even had occasion to open any of them. I invite people I work with over to my apartment and they always have something going on. (Literally always - even my “closest friend” coworkers still don’t even actually know where I live.) (Also, retired coworker gave up and decided she did not like knitting or crocheting because it was “too complicated”, which just made me feel shitty because I failed to teach her, so it wasn’t exactly the “sharing something I love” bit…) On the rare occasions that I do get to do something with someone (like go to retired coworker’s house to teach her to knit - she’s also the one with the pig, and she’s my dad’s age), it’s always to do something they want to do, because nobody that I know is interested in anything I like. (I’ve suggested board games and Jeopardy once or twice with beauty-consultant-friend, and she literally laughed and thought I was joking.) My dad is the only person who does anything fun with me, and while I love and appreciate him very much, it’s not the same as having a friend.
I know I have friends on the internet and in faraway places. You are one of them. When I am down about not having friends, it’s not because I devalue your friendship - it’s because you’re hundreds of miles away and can’t come sit on my living room floor and play Trivial Pursuit with me.
You keep posting about how you’re an introvert. Nerds aspire to be introverts, but you’re really not. I’ve seen you post about how hung out with someone, then complain later the same day that you had nothing to do. You really need to be around people a lot more often than anyone else I know. Also, when Bobby isn’t around and I was hanging out with you, you would call him a bunch of times. I forgot my phone in my office recently and I said “fuck it, nobody’s gonna call and I don’t feel like using it, so I guess I’ll get it tomorrow and enjoy the peace and quiet at my place”. Yeah, you would never do that. I’ve stopped by friend’s places to see if they want to do something (after vague hints of interest earlier in the week) and gotten told to scram because they weren’t in the mood. I’ve hung out with friends who have declined to do something the next day because they don’t like to do things multiple days in a row. Once a week was enough, thanks.
I have a number of friends who won’t do stuff multiple days in a row as well. But I’m not extroverted by any test I’ve taken - I hate large parties, I hate loudness and crowds, I hate being the center of attention. I think that there’s a difference between introversion (being more into reflective thoughts than gregarious action) and asocial tendencies (being actively antagonistic to the thought of being around other people). I think a lot of people call themselves introverts when they’re actually just straight-up asocial, honestly.
Honestly, the sooner you get married and move in with Bobby for good, the better your mental health is going to get. You shouldn’t be living alone at all, and that’s something that’s been true for you since 2007 and Flagstaff.
Yes, I’m aware of this. I also have no control over when that happens, which is a constant and ongoing source of frustration for me. I feel like I’m basically just supposed to exist in a state of suspended animation until Bobby finally finishes and then I can get on with my life, and obviously that’s not really a thing that can be done, so while I wait around my mental health just continues to decline…
The fact is, most adults, especially single ones who have moved for their career, are about as alone as you are. I consider myself to have friends (half of whom seemed have magically followed me from grad school), and I would say that I do as many social things as you do. . And most married people, and especially the ones that have babies— they just hang out with each other.
The people I know at work who are not married do a lot more things than I do. They are often going to restaurants together for dinner or going to this winery or that festival or some market or whatever else. I know this because I will invite them to do things with me and they decline because they’re doing X instead.